His person

Last year I came to a realization. I called Travis hysterically crying because I had realized, Bryce lost his person on the day Steven died. I have always been Jakes person. He's a mamas boy thru and thru. He and I have spent every night together in the hospital, every IV poke, every cry, every doctors visit, it's been with me. (Minus the blood draws over the last year that I realized he didnt shed a tear over when Dad took him). Overall, I am Jakes person. Travis is Trentons person. Trenton is obsessed with his Dad. If Dad is home, Trenton is at his side, around his ankle. Skateboarding, cuddling on the couch, banging and screaming at the bathroom door when Travis needs a minute. Travis is Trentons person. As Trenton got older, I began to see all of him in the toddler Bryce used to be and at that moment, it hit me. Bryce's person, whom he was obsessed with, adored, idolized, loved dearly at the age of 3, is gone. At 3, he lost his person. How I wish I could have realized that years ago. My heart breaks for his loss. It's hard enough trying to understand the loss of your dad at the age of 3, but when that Dad is your person, your heart, I cannot image the unexplainable void he must feel and he may not even know it. 

Death and loss is different for everyone. We all handled losing Steven a little different than one another. Does that mean it hurt more than it did for others? No. It just means that void is different for each of us.  Bryces void is one I wish I patch up, one I wish I could somehow fill for him. I don't even think he knows this void is there, but I know it is. 

As I watch the realtionship he and Travis have grow into a deeper bond and appreciation and love for each other, I am beyond greatful that he has a Dad in him. An amazing Dad at that. He is one lucky kid to have been blessed with that from Steven and from Travis. Yet that void, is one he will have his entire life. We hug him a little tighter, I share more stories of his dad as he gets older and I see the sparkle and pride in his eye when he thinks of him. How I wish he could really hug him and know him. I wish he could have his person with him. What I do know, all of us around him, in his life now, will do our very best to shower him with the love that Steven would have, and in that, he will be okay.