Grief + a new year

New Years are always a bit haunting. After feeling the loss of a loved one, New Years Celebrations can bring on a  new meaning. It's a bit of a fresh start, a feeling of, "this year is going to be better than the last." Last year sucked, you lost someone you loved. Someone you spoke with every day, someone who made an impact on your life, maybe it was your spouse or father, your sister or your aunt. When you lose someone you love, a New Year comes along with a bitter sweet feeling, a heavy heart, it's never a big celebration. On the first New Years after I lost Steven, I believe I gave 2011 the middle finger. I hated 2011 with every single inch of my soul. I rang in the New Year's on my best friends couch with my kids scattering toys all over the place. Actually, I rang in the New Year at home in bed because we left their house and drove back home before the clock struck midnight. I was grateful 2011 was over but terrified as to what 2012 would bring. New Years sucked that year as I adjusted to my new normal. An only parent with two little boys who were ready and wide eyed to take on each and every day. As for myself, my eyes were closed and I was wishing every day didn't feel like such a nightmare. 

Fast forward 6 years and I am still here. Still taking on each day. I have learned to celebrate each New Year again, never without the thought of Steven in the back of my mind and how it's another year he's not here to watch his boys grow, celebrate their achievements and teach them all they need to know about cars. I take in each New Year with a ton of gratefulness, a full heart and an appreciation for this moment, for today, for the loved ones I do still have around me and the immense amount of love I have with my now husband. You face each New Year not with a heavy heart, but with an appreciation and understanding that each and every moment is a gift. 

For those who grieve this New Year, my heart is with you. Know you will be okay. Your memories of your loved one that is gone will become fond memories. This last year will be the year of hurt and loss, but this next New Year will be full of adjusting to your new normal. You will be okay, I promise. And in those moments you feel you are not okay, know you are not alone. I gotcha. 

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How I felt about 2011